I haven’t had the urge to write since I was trying to see what I was learning with all of the problems I was encountering with emails and website. Sometime during the summer my website got hacked which threw off my ability to get emails returned and some never got to the person. It was quite disconcerting when clients showed up for their appointments and I hadn’t gotten their email confirmations!  Needless to say I felt quite out of control. That is not something I enjoy feeling since being in control has always given me certainty and security.

So how do you deal with those out of control feelings?  It may show up with family members that don’t do what you want them to do, a husband that won’t  change or accommodate your needs, or boss or coworkers that you can’t see eye to eye or even a boyfriend that doesn’t show you respect.  It’s a human need to want to control things and why the 12-step program is so effective.  The quote that has made such an impact on their recovery programs is this:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Some may not be aware that it was adapted from an original quote written by a theologian Reinhold Niebuhr.

What I feel this best represents is the concept of surrender. What I find sabotages us the most is to hang onto our will. We don’t want to give up our rights for things to be our way.  Giving up our rights is a scary thing and leaves us feeling powerless. When I work with those needing to empower themselves they would say they have felt powerless most of their life and don’t want to continue to feel that way.

Feeling powerless is more closely tied into feelings of unworthiness which is not what I am referring to in giving up our rights.  You can be empowered and feel worthy, but still feel powerless to change things you cannot change.  Somehow we get the two confused and forget the part of the quote that says you can have “courage to change the things that I can.”  When we are truly powerless we give away our power easily to change anything in our life.

It has given me a lot of comfort to be able to fully relinquish those things that I truly can’t control.  I have to always trust there is a divine purpose in the way things happen and there is something for me to gain through the difficulties.

This summer I learned some things when all of my emails shut down due to malicious code.  I had to examine how I feel when there are malicious people coming against me. Being one who likes to please it’s not easy to face hostility from others.  What I have been made aware of is how easily I am affected by people that I can never win their approval.  That is truly an area where no matter what I do sometimes I can’t get them to like or give me the feelings of approval I am longing for.

So if your control issues start getting tapped into when other’s don’t approve of you, maybe you are giving others too much power to define you.

Tips on letting go of control:

• Discover what you can gain in letting go and surrendering.
• Recognize that your value needs to not come from external validation.
• Over giving to get value from others can only lead us to resentful feelings.
• Practice the serenity prayer and take responsibility to change the things you can.

Start off the fall on a good note by working on your changing YOU rather than trying to change others.